¿Por qué hay cada vez más mujeres infieles y por qué muchas se quedan con sus parejas después de ser engañadas?
Mónica llevaba 5 años en pareja con Juan y 2 años viviendo con él cuando, una noche, ella no volvió a la casa. Estaba con otro hombre.
«No fue algo planificado. Pasó», cuenta sobre aquel romance. «Me di cuenta de que estaba enamorada de él (Juan), pero que no me daba lo que necesitaba«.
A los días ella terminaría confesándole el engaño a su pareja y durante un tiempo intentarían recomponer la relación. Pero finalmente se separaron.
Recién con la terapia Mónica logró aceptar que la relación con Juan le hacía daño porque él no la quería ni valoraba tal como ella lo hacía.
«Me estaba humillando al seguir con él», reconoce. Por eso, agrega, nunca se sintió culpable de haberlo engañado.
Aún así, ella no se llama Mónica y él no es Juan. La argentina de 37 años pidió a BBC Mundo el anonimato para contar un amorío que describe como «la única forma de sobrevivir» que encontró.
La infidelidad es «un tabú universal y aún así es universalmente practicado», afirma la psicoterapeuta Esther Perel en su libro The state of affairs: rethinking infidelity («La situación de los amoríos: repensando la infidelidad»).
Derechos de autor de la imagenGETTY IMAGESNo en vano, escribe, la infidelidad es el único pecado mencionado en dos mandamientos de la Biblia: uno que prohíbe hacerlo y otro que prohíbe siquiera pensarlo.
«La conversación actual sobre los romances tiende a ser divisoria, moralista y corta de vista», dice Perel en su libro, que se publicó en octubre y se convirtió en «un best seller inmediato», según el diario estadounidense The New York Times.
La experta, considerada una referente actual en temas de relaciones amorosas modernas, asegura que esta «nube de culpa y secretismo» se cierne en particular sobre las mujeres, tanto cuando engañan como cuando son engañadas.
¿Qué es ser infiel?
«La definición de engaño varía de persona a persona», le dice a BBC Mundo la socióloga Alicia Walker, autora del libro The secret life of the cheating wife: power, pragmatism, and pleasure («La vida secreta de la esposa infiel: poder, pragmatismo y placer»), publicado en noviembre.
«Todos vamos por el mundo asumiendo que existe un concepto universal de lo que es engañar, pero la realidad es que dos personas pueden estar en la misma pareja y tener diferentes definiciones de lo que significa«, agrega.
Derechos de autor de la imagenISTOCKLa docente de la Universidad Estatal de Misuri, en Estados Unidos, explica que para algunas personas la infidelidad implica relaciones sexuales, mientras que para otras la intimidad emocional ya constituye una traición.
¿Y qué hay de pagar por sexo, mirar pornografía, enviar mensajes con contenido erótico o estar en contacto con una expareja? La línea no siempre se traza en el mismo lugar.
Ese es el principal motivo por el cual distintos estudios de EE.UU. afirman que la infidelidad femenina oscila entre el 26 y 70%, y que la masculina va del 33 a 75%, indica Perel en su libro.
A lo que agrega: «Sean cuales sean los números exactos, todos están de acuerdo en que están subiendo. Y muchos dedos señalan a las mujeres como las responsables del aumento».
La psicoterapeuta belga señala que, en comparación con 1990, las mujeres engañan 40% más, mientras que los números entre varones se han mantenido.
Incluso, «cuando la definición de infidelidad incluye no solo relaciones sexuales sino también involucramiento romántico, besos y otros contactos sexuales, las estudiantes universitarias engañan significativamente más que sus contrapartes masculinas», escribe.
Dos personas pueden estar en la misma pareja y tener diferentes definiciones de lo que significa (ser infiel)»
En palabras de Perel, ellas rápidamente han cerrado la llamada «brecha de la infidelidad de género».
Cuando ellas engañan
«Solíamos pensar que los hombres engañan por sexo y las mujeres por razones emocionales, porque están enamoradas o porque quieren un nuevo marido», dice Walker.
Sin embargo, tanto ella como Perel afirman que, en base a sus estudios, los motivos para engañar varían según la persona y no por el género.
De hecho, la mayoría de las más de 40 mujeres que entrevistó Walker para su libro engañaron a sus parejas tras «pasar años o décadas sin sexo o sin que se cumplieran sus necesidades sexuales».
«En un momento llegaron a la conclusión de que o bien mantenían romances para satisfacer sus necesidades, o bien debían terminar con sus matrimonios. Así que básicamente engañan para quedarse», dice a BBC Mundo.
Perel también destaca que existe una noción muy estereotípica de la infidelidad, particularmente de la femenina.
Derechos de autor de la imagenGETTY IMAGESEn su experiencia, plasmada en el libro en base a décadas de sesiones terapéuticas, conversaciones informales y cientos de comentarios recibidos a través de internet y en charlas que brinda a lo largo del mundo, la mayoría de los amoríos surgen tras años de fidelidad.
Incluso en matrimonios felices.
«Son situaciones difíciles porque (estas mujeres) se encuentran en relaciones de amor y cuidado mutuo», explicó al programa de radio de la BBC Woman’s Hour.
«No quieren en verdad dejar esas relaciones, pero quieren dejar de ser la persona en la que se convirtieron. Quieren vivir una versión distinta de ellas mismas», dijo.
Y continuó: «El gran dilema es: ‘O te pierdo a ti o a una parte de mí’. Por eso es tan doloroso, porque en ambos casos se pierde».
Pero también están las mujeres que engañan luego de años de sufrir menosprecio, soledad, abusos. Es recién en este estado de extremo sufrimiento que cometen la que muchos consideran «la máxima traición».
Derechos de autor de la imagenISTOCKPara Perel esto se debe al muy alto precio que paga la mujer infiel.
El estigma de perdonar
La esposa que engaña y la amante que «rompe» con una familia sufren el castigo moral de la sociedad. Lo nuevo es que, tras la normalización del divorcio, también la que perdona al marido infiel es juzgada.
Walker atribuye esto a «la adoración por la monogamia como el único modelo de relación».
«Operamos bajo este paradigma en que la monogamia equivale a amor y cuidado, y la no monogamia significa que la persona no se preocupa por ti», afirma.
Según la socióloga, «cuando funcionamos bajo esta ideología, la única respuesta razonable a la infidelidad es divorciarse. Entonces creemos que la persona que se está quedando no se respeta a sí misma o que se está conformando».
Debido a este estigma, agrega, «muchas personas mantienen la infidelidad de su pareja como un secreto para evitar ser juzgadas por decidir quedarse con él y eso puede derivar en aislamiento».
Derechos de autor de la imagenGETTY IMAGESEn este sentido, uno de los textos más famosos de Perel es justamente sobre la estigmatización que sufrió la política Hillary Clinton por no divorciarse del entonces presidente de Estados Unidos, Bill Clinton, tras el mediático romance que tuvo con la becaria Monica Lewinsky en 1998.
«Algunos romances rompen las relaciones y a veces las relaciones ya estaba muriendo» al momento del engaño, dijo a Woman’s Hour.
«Otros romances sacan a las personas de los estados de autocomplacencia y pereza en los que habían caído, convirtiéndose en un poderoso sistema de alerta que hace que las personas se den cuenta que no quieren perder al otro».
A veces la persona decide que todavía vale la pena pelear por la pareja o que la persona pierde más (en vínculos familiares, sociales y económicos) al separarse que quedándose.
Perel suele decir que, cuando se encuentra frente a audiencias femeninas, es en este punto de la charla cuando más aplausos recibe.
En definitiva, explica, el 80% de las personas se han visto afectadas por una infidelidad, ya sea como víctima o perpetrador, como amante o confidente, como hijo, familiar o amigo.
Como escribe la experta: «El amor es complicado; la infidelidad aún más»
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